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|Topic: Who's still around?|
|Forum: General Talk Posted: Thu Apr 07, 2011 7:14 pm Subject: Re: Who's still around?|
|Topic: 2012 Candidate For President|
|Forum: Jokes! Posted: Tue May 12, 2009 8:16 pm Subject: 2012 Candidate For President|
| 2012 Candidate For President
Bill Cosby has a great way of distilling things. Looks like hes done it again!
I WISH WE HAD A CANDIDATE WITH THIS PLATFORM!!
I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.
(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.
(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.
(7) Professional Athletes--Steroids. The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.
( Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9) One export will be allowed, Wheat. The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes
GOD BLESS AMERICA .
|Topic: North Carolina Jokes|
|Forum: Jokes! Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:50 pm Subject: North Carolina Jokes|
| A group of Western North Carolina friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Bubba?" the others asked.
"Bubba had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Bubba laying out there and carried the deer back?" they Inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to Steal Bubba!"
The young man from Green Mountain came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license tag number."
NEWS FLASH! - North Carolina 's worst air disaster occurred! When a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of North Carolina students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
A North Carolina State trooper pulled over a pickup on the new I-26.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
A man in Marion, had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one
behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either.
|Forum: Jokes! Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:39 pm Subject: Re: LOL|
| >>DAVID LETTERMAN IN TROUBLE WITH NASCAR
>> Now, this is funny. I'll bet Dave Letterman does
>> get some "flak" from
>> the NAACP.
>> Al Sharpton and the Rev Jackson will go nuts !!!
>> David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are
>> no black NASCAR drivers:
>> # 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
>> # 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
>> # 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
>> # 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding
>> up pants at the same time.
>> # 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
>> # 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
>> # 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
>> # 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
>> # 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out
>> & run.
>> AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN
>> #1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways
|Forum: Jokes! Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:37 pm Subject: Re: LOL|
| The Caddie
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: we
We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left"
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the whole thanks to the robot and his advice.
But his luck didn’t end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me takes one of your robots. See you next week.
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would
Like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way. "
The golfer said, “So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President."
|Forum: Jokes! Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:31 pm Subject: Re: LOL|
| Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'
'I'll sleep on it,' said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?'
asked the psychiatrist.
'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money
that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!'
Git 'er dun!!!!!!!!!
|Forum: Jokes! Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:27 pm Subject: Re: LOL|
| A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that
he could get one over on them easy...
So the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.
This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?' The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500.
The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.He wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with us rednecks.
We only talk dumb....
|Forum: Jokes! Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:23 pm Subject: Re: LOL|
| A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photo shop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now, give me back my dog.
|Forum: Jokes! Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:11 pm Subject: Re: LOL|
| > *A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15
> *> *
> *> 'WOW!' the social worker exclaims. 'Are they all yours?''*
> *> *
> *> 'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having
> heard that question a thousand times before.*
> *> *
> *> She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find
> seats. *
> *> *
> *> 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here
> to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' *
> *> *
> *> 'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy and
> the girls are all named 'Leighroy'.'*
> *> *
> *> In disbelief, the case worker asked, "Are you serious?They're
> ALL named Leroy?"*
> *> *
> *> Their momma replied, "Well, yes -- it makes it easier. When
> it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell,
> 'Leroy!' And when it's *
> *> time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a
> runnin'. An'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the
> street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the
> smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."*
> *> *
> *> *
> *> *
> *> The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then*
> *> wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what
> if you just want ONE kid to come, and *
> *> not the whole bunch?" *
> *> *
> *> "Then I call them by their last names.." *
|Forum: Jokes! Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:09 pm Subject: LOL|
| LETTER FROM A FARM KID
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
|Topic: The difference between Guts and Balls|
|Forum: Jokes! Posted: Sat Jan 17, 2009 12:40 am Subject: Re: The difference between Guts and Balls|
|Forum: General Talk Posted: Thu Jan 08, 2009 5:18 pm Subject: Re: FEARS!!!|
|Forum: General Talk Posted: Wed Jan 07, 2009 10:22 pm Subject: Re: FEARS!!!|
| what are yours?
mine are- Belonephobia Fear of pins and needles, Coulrophobia Fear of clowns, Didaskaleinophobia Fear of going to school, Dromophobia Fear of crossing streets, Glossophobia Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak, Ophthalmophobia Fear of being stared at, Pupaphobia fear of puppets, Sesquipedalophobia Fear of long words, Testophobia Fear of taking tests, Trypanophobia Fear of injections
|Forum: General Talk Posted: Wed Jan 07, 2009 10:16 pm Subject: FEARS!!!|
| Achluophobia Fear of darkness.
Acousticophobia Fear of noise.
Acrophobia Fear of heights.
Agoraphobia Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded places.
Ailurophobia Fear of cats.
Alektorophobia Fear of chickens.
Alliumphobia Fear of garlic.
Allodoxaphobia Fear of opinions.
Altophobia Fear of heights.
Amaxophobia Fear of riding in a car.
Ambulophobia Fear of walking.
Ancraophobia or Anemophobia Fear of wind.
Androphobia Fear of men.
Anglophobia Fear of England, English culture, etc.
Anthrophobia Fear of flowers.
Antlophobia Fear of floods.
Anuptaphobia Fear of staying single.
Apeirophobia Fear of infinity.
Aphenphosmphobia Fear of being touched.
Apiphobia Fear of bees.
Apotemnophobia Fear of persons with amputations. Arachnephobia/Arachnophobia Fear of spiders.
Arithmophobia Fear of numbers.
Arrhenphobia Fear of men. Arsonphobia Fear of fire.
Astraphobia/Astrapophobia Fear of thunder and lightning.
Astrophobia Fear of stars/space.
Ataxophobia Fear of disorder or untidiness.
Atelophobia Fear of imperfection.
Athazagoraphobia Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.
Atychiphobia Fear of failure.
Aurophobia Fear of gold.
Automatonophobia Fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues
Automysophobia Fear of being dirty.
Autophobia Fear of being alone or of oneself.
Aviophobia/Aviatophobia Fear of flying.
Bacillophobia Fear of microbes.
Bacteriophobia Fear of bacteria.
Bathmophobia Fear of stairs or steep slopes.
Batophobia Fear of heights.
Batrachophobia Fear of amphibians (like frogs)
Belonephobia Fear of pins and needles.
Bibliophobia Fear of books.
Botanophobia Fear of plants.
Brontophobia Fear of thunder and lightning.
Cacophobia Fear of ugliness.
Cainophobia/Cainotophobia Fear of newness, novelty.
Caligynephobia Fear of beautiful women.
Carnophobia Fear of meat.
Catagelophobia Fear of being ridiculed.
Catoptrophobia Fear of mirrors.
Cenophobia / Centophobia Fear of new things or ideas.
Ceraunophobia Fear of thunder.
Chaetophobia Fear of hair.
Chionophobia Fear of snow.
Chiraptophobia Fear of being touched.
Chirophobia Fear of hands.
Chorophobia Fear of dancing.
Chrometophobia/Chrematophobia Fear of money.
Chromophobia/Chromatophobia Fear of colors.
Chronomentrophobia Fear of clocks.
Cibophobia/Sitophobia/Sitiophobia Fear of food.
Claustrophobia Fear of confined spaces.
Climacophobia Fear of stairs.
Clinophobia Fear of going to bed.
Coimetrophobia Fear of cemeteries.
Coulrophobia Fear of clowns.
Cyberphobia Fear of computers.
Cyclophobia Fear of bicycles.
Cymophobia Fear of waves.
Cynophobia Fear of dogs.
Demophobia Fear of crowds.
Dendrophobia Fear of trees.
Dentophobia Fear of dentists.
Didaskaleinophobia Fear of going to school.
Dipsophobia Fear of drinking.
Dishabiliophobia Fear of undressing in front of someone.
Dromophobia Fear of crossing streets.
Eisoptrophobia Fear of mirrors.
Elurophobia Fear of cats.
Emetophobia Fear of vomiting.
Entomophobia Fear of insects.
Ephebiphobia Fear of teenagers.
Epistaxiophobia Fear of nosebleeds.
Equinophobia Fear of horses.
Ergophobia Fear of work.
Felinophobia Fear of cats.
Gamophobia Fear of marriage.
Geliophobia Fear of laughter.
Genophobia Fear of sex.
Gephyrophobia, Gephydrophobia, or Gephysrophobia Fear of crossing bridges.
Gerascophobia Fear of growing old.
Glossophobia Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak. Gynephobia/Gynophobia Fear of women.
Haphephobia/Haptephobia Fear of being touched.
Harpaxophobia Fear of being robbed.
Heliophobia Fear of the sun.
Hemophobia/Hemaphobia/Hematophobia Fear of blood.
Hierophobia Fear of priests or sacred things.
Hominophobia Fear of men.
Hylophobia Fear of forests.
Iatrophobia Fear of doctors.
Ichthyophobia Fear of fish.
Judeophobia Fear of Jews.
Keraunophobia Fear of thunder and lightning.
Kymophobia Fear of waves.
Lachanophobia Fear of vegetables.
Ligyrophobia Fear of loud noises.
Limnophobia Fear of lakes.
Liticaphobia Fear of lawsuits.
Lockiophobia Fear of childbirth.
Logizomechanophobia Fear of computers.
Logophobia Fear of words.
Lygophobia Fear of darkness.
Macrophobia Fear of long waits.
Mageirocophobia Fear of cooking.
Maieusiophobia Fear of childbirth.
Megalophobia Fear of large things.
Melissophobia Fear of bees.
Methyphobia Fear of alcohol.
Microphobia Fear of small things.
Misophobia Fear of being contaminated with dirt/germs.
Monophobia Fear of solitude or being alone.
Motorphobia Fear of automobiles.
Musophobia/Murophobia Fear of mice.
Necrophobia Fear of death / dead things.
Neophobia Fear of anything new.
Nosocomephobia Fear of hospitals.
Numerophobia Fear of numbers.
Ochlophobia Fear of crowds or mobs.
Ophidiophobia Fear of snakes.
Ophthalmophobia Fear of being stared at.
Ornithophobia Fear of birds.
Pedophobia Fear of children.
Peladophobia Fear of bald people.
Phasmophobia Fear of ghosts.
Placophobia Fear of tombstones.
Plutophobia Fear of wealth.
Pogonophobia Fear of beards.
Potamophobia Fear of rivers or running water.
Pteronophobia Fear of being tickled by feathers.
Pupaphobia fear of puppets.
Pyrophobia Fear of fire.
Rhytiphobia Fear of getting wrinkles.
Rupophobia Fear of dirt.
Scolionophobia Fear of school.
Selachophobia Fear of sharks.
Sesquipedalophobia Fear of long words.
Tachophobia Fear of speed.
Technophobia Fear of technology.
Telephonophobia Fear of telephones.
Testophobia Fear of taking tests.
Theophobia Fear of Moraless or religion.
Trypanophobia Fear of injections.
Venustraphobia Fear of beautiful women.
Verbophobia Fear of words.
Verminophobia Fear of germs.
Vestiphobia Fear of clothing.
Xenoglossophobia Fear of foreign languages.
Zoophobia Fear of animals
|Topic: yoyoyo , hows tricks DME|
|Forum: General Talk Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 3:50 pm Subject: Re: yoyoyo , hows tricks DME|
|Whats your name in gr? Me, Hammer(my dad), and a old buddy of ours still run the STAT, IJAG, and W()R tags alot.|
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